


well that's riddikulus

by deerie



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Alternate Universe - Not Related, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 16:15:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18854569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deerie/pseuds/deerie
Summary: Klaus nods. He just keeps nodding. He nods them all the way out of the Hogwarts kitchens. The three of them stand outside the painting of the fruit bowl for a moment. Klaus has his hands on his hips and he’s just … staring at the floor, tapping his foot.“Where,” he starts, and then stops, stumped. “Where the fuck am I going to get one hundred pairs of socks?”





	well that's riddikulus

“Diego,” Klaus says firmly. “Diego, I love you, but you need to shut the fuck up. You’re going to get us caught.”

Diego does go silent, but he glares mulishly in Klaus’ direction. Ben, who plays lookout, hovering three feet above the ground in that way that only ghosts can, hisses at them to hurry up.

“I’m trying to find it, _Merlin,_ ” Klaus swears. “It’s a pear in a bowl of fruit. You think it’d be easy to find, except that there are five fucking pears on this painting.”

Klaus tickles the first pear and a second, but it turns out that the third pear is the charm - _ha! -_ and as soon as he tickles it, the pear transforms into a door handle.

Ben crowds into their space, rushing them with his hands, and muttering, “Go, go, _go_!”

Diego pushes Klaus through the door first, but only because the icy feeling of Ben’s ghostly fingers brushing his back kind of freaks him out.

Klaus almost face-plants immediately, but manages to fumble his way into a standing position. “I told you!”

He spreads his arms out wide to encompass the entirety of the Hogwarts kitchens. There are house-elves running this way and that way, but they pretty much ignore the three guests.

Diego figures it’s probably for the best. One of them can’t eat, one of them doesn’t know what he’s doing here, and one of them is _Klaus_.

“You didn’t tell me anything, actually,” Diego mutters. He digs the toe of his shoe against the ground. “You just said, ‘Get up, we’re going,’ and didn’t actually tell me what we were doing.”

This stalls Klaus for only a few seconds. “Well, it’s awesome is what it is. Think about it - now we can get food _whenever_ we want. No longer will we be confined to paltry meal times! Breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? Supper? No! If we are hungry, we will feast!”

Finally, a house-elf walks up to them, hands at her hips. Klaus moves his gaze down to her and amends, “Please. Please let us feast.”

The house-elf taps her foot on the ground as she makes a decision. “We can make a deal,” she says. “I’m Blinky.”

Klaus claps his hands together. “Wonderful! I love a good deal,” he says. “Nice to meet you, Blinky. I’m-”

“Klaus,” Blinky says. “Yes, we know.”

“Delightful,” Klaus says, wide eyes blinking slowly. “What do you want?”

“Socks,” Blinky says, very seriously in her high-pitched voice.

Klaus squints at her. “Like, _viva la revoluci_ _ón?_ Like liberation?”

Blinky screws up her face. “ _No_ ,” she says, like Klaus is the dumbest person she’s ever met. “I love working at Hogwarts. We get paid vacation and benefits. Do you think a house-elf with a family gets the benefits I do?”

Klaus clearly isn’t following along. He looks to Diego for help, but all Diego can do is shrug. Klaus makes a face at him.

“So,” Klaus elongates the word like he’s trying to work out what she’s telling him. “Socks?”

“Socks,” Blinky repeats. “So many socks.”

“Okay,” Klaus agrees. “I can get you socks. Anything else?”

Blinky narrows her eyes in thought. “And a copy of _Break with a Banshee_.”

“By that Lockhart kook?” Diego asks.

Blinky hums an affirmative under her breath. “It’s the only one in the series I don’t have.”

“I shall get you socks, then, and the banshee book,” Klaus agrees. He waves his hands in the air. “And then we get snacks?”

Blinky nods. “And then you’ll get snacks.”

“Done,” Klaus says. “How many socks?”

Blinky counts on her fingers for a moment. “One hundred pairs,” she says. “Give or take.”

“You don’t even have two hundred feet,” Klaus says, a little frantic around the edges. “ _I_ don’t even have two hundred feet.”

“Is he slow?” She asks Diego.

Diego equivocates. Klaus elbows him in the stomach. He’s got pointy elbows, the asshole.

“I need a pair for each of the house-elves who works here,” she says slowly, like she’s explaining it to a child. “ _And_ I need them by next week. Sunday at the latest. We like socks with patterns.”

Klaus nods. He just keeps nodding. He nods them all the way out of the Hogwarts kitchens. The three of them stand outside the painting of the fruit bowl for a moment. Klaus has his hands on his hips and he’s just … staring at the floor, tapping his foot.

“Where,” he starts, and then stops, stumped. “Where the fuck am I going to get one hundred pairs of socks?”

Diego starts walking back in the direction of the Hufflepuff common rooms. How he lets himself get roped into Klaus’ shenanigans, he’ll never know.

He feels a chilly presence at his shoulder and he peeks a look over at Ben.

Ben has the smuggest look on his face as he calls back to Klaus, “Guess you better start knitting now.”

**Author's Note:**

> Do you know how much I love Harry Potter AUs? Well, do you?
> 
> Follow me on Twitter at [@afuturetime](http://www.twitter.com/afuturetime) for updates! And fun facts! And crying, probably.


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